Adoption Adoption blog

Adoption offers children permanence and safety, but it does not erase the early experiences of trauma, loss, neglect, or abuse.

Many adopted children come into their families with nervous systems shaped by uncertainty and survival rather than trust and connection. Therapeutic parenting recognises this and provides a framework that helps children heal, not just behave.

Therapeutic parenting is not about being permissive or “soft”; it is about being emotionally attuned, trauma-informed, and intentionally relational. It focuses on repairing the impact of adverse childhood experiences by prioritising safety, connection, and emotional development.

Many adopted children have experienced disrupted attachments, inconsistent caregiving, or frightening early environments. As a result, their behaviour is often driven by fear, shame, or unmet developmental needs rather than defiance or choice.

Traditional behaviour-based parenting approaches, such as rewards, sanctions, and consequences, assume that children can self-regulate, reflect, and learn from cause and effect. For children with developmental trauma, these skills may not yet be accessible. Instead of teaching, punitive responses can reinforce feelings of rejection, danger, or failure.

Therapeutic parenting shifts the focus from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child, and what do they need now?” Therapeutic parenting begins with the understanding that behaviour is communication.

At the heart of therapeutic parenting is ‘PACE’, developed by clinical psychologist Dr Dan Hughes. PACE describes the emotional stance a caregiver brings to interactions with a child:

Using warmth, lightness, and appropriate humour to reduce fear and build connection. Playfulness signals safety and helps children stay emotionally regulated.

Accepting the child’s inner experience (thoughts, feelings, wishes) without necessarily being approving of all behaviours. This helps reduce shame and supports emotional expression.

Wondering aloud about what might be driving a child’s behaviour rather than making assumptions. Curiosity replaces judgement and invites understanding.

Showing genuine compassion for the child’s feelings and experiences. Empathy helps children feel seen, validated, and less alone.

The PACE approach helps children experience relationships as safe, predictable, and emotionally responsive. Over time, this supports the development of secure attachment and emotional regulation.

Sarah Naish, founder of the National Association of Therapeutic Parents, builds on attachment theory and trauma-informed care to offer practical, child-centred principles that guide everyday parenting. Key principles include:

A child must feel emotionally safe before they can learn or reflect. Regulation and relationship come first; boundaries and expectations follow once the child is calm and connected.

As an example, after a meltdown at school pick-up, instead of discussing consequences, a parent offers a snack, quiet time, and closeness. Only later, once calm, do they talk about what happened.

Challenging behaviour is viewed as a signal of unmet needs, fear, or distress. Instead of asking “How do I stop this?”, therapeutic parenting asks, “What is this behaviour telling me?”

As an example, a child who steals food may not be greedy or dishonest but may be responding to early food insecurity. A therapeutic response might include open access to healthy snacks and reassurance around availability rather than punishment.

Many adopted children carry deep internalised shame. Therapeutic parenting avoids language or responses that increase humiliation or rejection and instead focuses on reassurance and repair.

As an example, instead of saying, “You should know better,” a parent says, “Something went wrong there. Let’s figure it out together.” This supports repair rather than reinforcing failure.

Children learn to regulate emotions through repeated experiences of being soothed by a calm adult. Expecting independence too early can overwhelm children whose nervous systems are still developing.

For example, a child overwhelmed by bedtime may need an adult to sit nearby, offer calm reassurance, or gently narrate the routine rather than being expected to 'self-settle'.

Clear routines, predictability, and boundaries are essential—but they must be delivered with warmth, flexibility, and understanding rather than control.

For example, a parent maintains a consistent bedtime routine but allows flexibility during emotionally difficult days, understanding that predictability combined with compassion builds safety.

Therapeutic parenting supports children to:

• develop secure attachment relationships
• build emotional literacy and regulation skills
• reduce anxiety-driven and defensive behaviours
• experience adults as safe and reliable
• develop a healthier sense of self-worth

For parents and carers, it offers a framework that reduces power struggles, increases confidence, and aligns parenting responses with a child’s developmental needs rather than their chronological age.

Therapeutic parenting is not a quick fix. It requires patience, reflection, and support. It also requires recognising that progress may be slow, uneven, and non-linear. However, for adopted children who have learned early that adults are unsafe or unreliable, therapeutic parenting offers something profoundly healing: a relationship where they are understood, accepted, and consistently held in mind.

In choosing therapeutic parenting, carers are not excusing behaviour, they are building brains, repairing attachment, and helping children learn what safety truly feels like.

If you'd like to talk to us about therapeutic parenting or are ready to start your adoption journey, get in touch.